How to Tell if Your Teacher Is a Zombie

Some professors are strict. Others are just… dead inside.

If you have been wondering why your teacher moves at a glacial pace, smells vaguely like a crypt, or seems to be actively draining your will to live, it might be time to run this checklist.

#1 Grading Takes Longer Than Decomposition

You’ll get your results when archaeologists dig them up. By the time you get your paper back, your great-grandchildren will be applying for college.

#2 Monotone Lectures That Drain Your Soul

You have started hearing the same droning voice in your dreams — screaming. It’s like being slowly hypnotized into the afterlife.

#3 Strange Odor and Flaking Scalp

They smell like expired coffee and ancient scrolls. Every time they scratch their head, it looks like a snow globe got shaken over your desk.

#4 Gives Pop Quizzes to Watch You Suffer

Every quiz is a trap. Every answer feels wrong. Even your name. This is all obviously an evil plot to make you brain dead.

#5 Thinks "Mental Health" Is a Myth

Anytime you mention that the course load is causing you anxiety, they lifelessly explain that mental health is just an excuse and that you if actually tried studying for once you'd make it in life.

So What Can You Do?

While professors still have autonomy of choice,  and we can’t control their evil academic behavior, we can offer antidotes for their scalp situation.

Dandruff Destroyer (Anti-Dandruff Shampoo) targets dandruff directly with Selenium Sulfide so you can end the blizzard on your desk.

Lifeless Lather (Regular Shampoo) is our gentle daily shampoo to cleanse away the graveyard grime.

Corpse Conditioner (Conditioner) restores moisture and shine so their hair looks alive, even if they are not.

Zombie professors may keep assigning surprise essays and pop quizzes, but at least you can blast them with a bottle of Scare Care to keep their dandruff and peeling skin at bay.

Send them a survival kit from our Kickstarter: https://scare.care/pages/kickstarter